It's not me....it's YOU!!!

For a really long time, I have been developing this website idea...it's going to be called www.whatswrongwithU.com and it is going to be glorious. People will send in their picture and fill out a simple questionnaire and then I will write back and tell them what their problem is...whether it be bad hygiene, lack of social skills or unmitigated stupidity, I will address them all without fear. Someone needs to tell the world what the problem is and it might as well be me.
What are my qualifications, you ask? Well, I am overly critical of everyone. I'm pretty sure that years and years of practice will make me perfect for the job. YES, I am confident that I will be able to spot other people's problems and then blast them out in an overly long email about what is wrong what is wrong what is wrong with them.

My motivation is simple. I AM DESPERATE for someone to tell me what is wrong with ME...so I am assuming that every other person in the world is looking for answers too? Is it so wrong to want to help my fellow man/woman? For example, yesterday I sat in on an interview for an executive assistant (no, I'm not GETTING an assistant, although, I could EASILY be mistaken for an executive...my penchant for sticking my foot in my mouth is evidence enough, eh?). The woman who interviewed was wearing white strappy sandals and talked incessently about her overly particular previous boss. She smelled like Jean Nate or any other Rite Aid perfume selection. I pretended to need some fresh air, opened the door and caught a stream of pure air just before keeling over and passing out in a "grandma" induced seizure. I had to hide my notes from the interview so that this sweet, obviously nervous woman did not see the "NO WAY IN HELL" that I had written in block letters all over her resume. When she asked for my business card, I wished that my website was up and running...I could just hug her, take her under my wing and whisper ever so kindly via email, "OH HONEY..let me tell you what's wrong with you..."

Granted, I think this service (and I will continue to believe that it IS a service to mankind) is most useful for those people who are still wearing floral print henley dresses, socks with sandals and spend over 5 hours a week listening to talk radio. But I certainly don't want to limit the scope and range of my influence. All are welcome, all may come and learn WHAT's WRONG WITH YOU.

Who wouldn't want to sponsor that?

This is for all the NORMAL girls

I've spent too long trying to figure out whether I am normal or not...so in the interest of time, I'm going to redefine. NORMAL girls think too much about the boys they like. NORMAL girls spend just a little too much money on hair and face 'product'. NORMAL girls want a man who is willing to commit to just them and they don't REALLY mean it when they say that it's cool if you don't call for 3 days. NORMAL girls will eat another piece of cake after the party guests have left...using their hands because all the forks are dirty and who cares, because it was MY birthday anyway. NORMAL girls have a board of directors for every relationship they embark on...and they tell their board of directors EVERYTHING that he says and does and doesn't do. NORMAL girls will hate their girl friend's boyfriend but will genuinely be happy for her when he does something sweet. NORMAL girls go to therapy and cry alone in their rooms from that cosmic lonliness that has nothing to do with whether or not you have people around. NORMAL girls play dress up on a saturday night when they don't have a date...again. NORMAL girls get guilted into taking "sweat and die" classes at the gym because some stupid assed salesman told her that she had a jutting neck. NORMAL girls have good jobs, but are still bored sometimes.