Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Starbiz (Glitter Trail!) and KaRyn Daley

If you are looking for more information about my music after seeing the WILDLY popular, HIGHLY controversial, DEEPLY entertaining BYUtv show, STARBIZ...check out my facebook fanpage at www.facebook.com/karyndaley or myspace (what? Does that even exist anymore?) www.myspace.com/karynmusic I don't have a website yet (BRYAN!!!) but someday. In the meantime, you can at least listen to a few of my old songs in rough format and find out what happens next on STARBIZ...glitter trail.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

All this Wanting

There was this time in the life of NinnyBeth where I did not think I would ever register for presents for my wedding. I said to myself, "Self, you have all that you need and if someone want to gift you a thing upon your nuptials, they will know you well enough to get you something cool."

This week, I said another thing to my self. I said, "Self, actually, you don't have a shower curtain for your hypothetical new apartment. And then there is that part where you might also want to consider the fact that you just might need to iron a shirt for your hypothetical new husband and though you have ignored wrinkles for the past 34 years, it is possible that owning an iron and an ironing board might not be a bad idea."

And so my self and I have registered at a few different stores just in case a friend who might want to buy us something cool wants to also buy us something useful since we are poor. Here's what I wish though. I wish I could register generically like, just have a list on a website somewhere that says just the idea of a things like:


toilet brush

grill type thing in fashion of George Foreman for syphoning fat from delicious red meat patties in round shape.

kitchenaid mixer (any color, go crazy)

laundry basket


picture for over bed because we don't have an actual bedframe and that will make it look more like a grownup bed.*


shower curtain*

*note: we like blues and greens and things that look old.

Would that be a cool kind of registry? You know, something a little more generic that will allow us to allow for some freedom. I don't usually plan my decorating schemes as carefully as this whole registry thing would have me do. My decor is usually a really weird mix of found items, DI castoffs, hand me downs, and leftover college posters. I'm uncomfortable with the level of decisiveness that this whole thing requires. I also philosophically feel challenged by the idea of NB and JR leaping down the aisles of target gunning out the things that we think you should buy us. Gross. Additionally, I don't want ANYONE to think that they have to bring a present in order to eat our chocolate cake and play the pianica at the concert/reception. But then there is the reality. People give gifts and registries are helpful. blah blah blah....

Maybe my registry idea is a little bit like the DRUM CIRCLE DEBAUCLE OF LATE SUMMER 2011 (in which NB tried desperately to get everyone to agree that having a drum circle of jembe drums at the reception would be the coolest thing EVER and to which no one would agree. EVER.) but I think it would be more fun that way. I like my friends. I'm mostly friends with them because they have style and humor and sass and they like me. I would like to trust them with this one. But I guess I will have to settle for spending a day gunning crap at Kohl's and Target that we need and pray that there are some surprises in the mix.

I wonder what emily post would say about asking your guests who want to give you a present to give you 10 bucks and list of their favorite yardsale locations. That sounds like the perfect gift to me!

Friday, September 09, 2011

Oh Hey There...Remember Me?

Yes. i am still alive. I'm engaged though, so maybe I'm only half alive? I'm joining the rank and file of Mormondom and I must admit that while I am so very very very excited to marry JR, I'm having a slightly rocky transition. Oh, believe me, I know what you're thinking, "HOLY HELL. ALL I"VE HEARD YOU DO IS WHINE ABOUT THE BABIES IN THE BASKETS AND THE WOMEN WITH THE WEDDING RINGS AND NOW YOU"RE ALL, 'wo wo wo is me! I'm getting everything I've ever wanted!' HRRRRMPH. PPHLLLLLPTTTT. BOO HISS."

I allow you to be annoyed.

But I also allow me to be annoying.

So there.

There's this part about how I'm having a slight identity crisis. For the last many years, I've been a single active mormon virgin trying to reconcile my place in a church where the mainstream is not me. And I was really really good at being that girl. I was wise. I was optimistic. I was inspirational to myself. I was secretely fond of being the girl that confused the masses, "I just don't understand why you're not married?"

but now, when we have a chastity lesson in Relief Society in JR's ward, I'm not "the other". I'm not the girl who doesn't know if she'll ever get to have sex (in this life, blah blah blah). I have this ring (a beautiful one, I might add) on my left hand that makes me indistinguishable from the girl across the aisle from me who got married at 22 and has three kids. There was this row of single girls behind me in JR's family ward during said chastity lesson who looked like some of my girls...the kind I would quickly connect to and kvetch about the marrieds and the world and talk about how we were finding our place in this community. I had a weird desire to hide my ring and go sit with them while yelling, I"M ONE OF YOU! I SWEAR IT! I"M ONE OF YOU!...instead I just turned quickly around at the end of the lesson, introduced myself and blurted out, "I'm 34, I just got engaged, and I don't know what I'm doing!" Smooth. Really smooth.

And then there is the part where I'm really putting this body image thing to the test...This is too much information, I'm sure, and I'm sorry if you've stumbled upon this and wish you hadn't...but I just need to put this somewhere. If you're aren't LDS, you will probably think this is ridiculously backward and feel sorry for me. But maybe just maybe you will identify.

For years, I've been battling with my body. Hating it and loving it in equal measure. I've lost 75 pounds, up and down, back and forth and my body, my dear 34 year old body has seen better days. All this is to say that I don't look good naked. Skinny or not, my body is not that of a taut 22 year old (I guess I'm really over those 22 year olds?). And I'm going to be naked for the first time with a man who has the body of a greek god. Though he is wonderful and I know he wants me as I am, it is not JR's responsibility to make me feel good about myself. This is between me and the world that has taught me poorly. Today I tried on lingerie. I cried for a solid 10 minutes in the dressing room, the desperate tears of someone who knows she will never (at least not without surgery) look like the images of sexy that are purveyed by the makers of underpants. I found a beautiful vintage inspired robe thing that did make me feel pretty, but I couldn't get past the feeling that I was a failure at sexy in the grand scheme of things.

Here is where you want to write me some sweet comment about sexy is a feeling and that men don't really care....but please don't because I care. I get those things. I care because I'm angry that I'm still seeing myself through someone else's eyes, namely society. I care because I know that this is a last ditch adversarial effort to undermine my sense of self and worth. I care because I haven't yet mustered up whatever courage or strength it takes to not give a crap if my inner thighs are jiggly even though my legs are rock solid from all the strength training I've been doing. I'm angry that I'm still angry. Sigh. But I do have something. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and will send help to comfort me and teach me whatever I need to know. Remember this girl?


She's still me, ring or no ring.