Wednesday, October 07, 2009

All This Going To Crazy

I don't know how else to say this so I just will. I'm crazy. I have been for a long time, I feel like I will be for a long time to come. I can not rest my brain. It swirls and buzzes with all manner of thoughts, ideas, stories, weirdness. I hyperfocus on somethings, blow off others. Right now, in this space, I am hyperfocusing on why I am not married. An ex sent me an email link to an article about why men marry some women and not others. I can't stop thinking about it. There are all these women all over the streets of DC. They have rings, they have husbands, they have babies in little baskets in their bikes. They are on their cell phones talking about the ring, husband and baby in basket. I walk with my face turned to the sun, wind whipping my hair, thinking about everything dying and wondering how I got so shaken. How I got so wobbly.

What's so very interesting is that I feel ashamed. Ashamed that no one has chosen me. Embarrassed that I wear a badge that screams unwanted. I know I can't be the only person to feel shame at being single, but it's a new emotional revelation to me. The thing is that I realize this feeling is so outside of me... that my shame is based on the idea that others are judging me when in reality, no one probably even gives a crap. Most importantly (and perhaps ironically?), why do I feel the need to say it out loud to my blog? To the very audience that could be that silent judge I beat back with feverish prayers and moments of hard earned clarity from a source outside of myself. But, still I do...I need to tell you about it. I feel like this is so big in my body right now that if I don't put it somewhere it will implode and I will be lost.

Caviat: I'm not the bitter type and I'm not heartbroken. Please don't respond to this with how men are jerks and I'm perfectly ok. I'm working through these thought processes so I can eventually have the kind of marriage that I want to have. I brought you along for the ride. I'm willing to experience a little discomfort in this endeavor. It quiets my brain for while.


Sufoot said...

Remember how we're twins? Remember that? Yeah...we still are. And I wish I could say, "Oh, Ninny...I remember feeling that way when I was in my early 30's and still single, blah blah"...Instead....I STILL feel that way - only this time, it's with babies. Everyone...EVERYONE has babies...and I, too, feel the need to explain myself - explain that I'm not avoiding my LDS woman responsiblity, I'm not sowing wild oats....I just don't get babies right now.

...Being without is awesome...right? We're learning important things.......right?


Tamara said...

Thanks for purging. For real.
Sounds like you're in an important place in your life right now, and I commend you for your bravery. :)

Krisanne said...

you are brave. i love that about you.

Saule Cogneur said...

I think that we all make plans for ourselves. We all have expectations. People often know those things about us, so when our aspirations fail, we figure everyone else sees it too. It's most certainly shameful (to us).

I used to shut people out of my life for that exact reason. I still do to some extent. "I can't feel ashamed if no one knows I cared to begin with."

Perhaps we shout out our lamentations to the blog sphere because somehow being heard for the sake of being heard it cathartic. Clearly, your guess is good as mine.

Whether alone in your travails or joined by millions, I hope you find the answers you seek.

Marie said...

I don't feel ashamed so much as angry. I"m not sure which emotion is more man-repellant, but I'm pulling for you. I'm usually okay, but I know what you mean -- every once in awhile it hits me upside the head with zero warning. In such times my prayers start consisting largely of, "God -- what were you THINKING?? I can understand men not wanting me, but what about this huge congregation of beautiful, kind, brilliant women I know? With all due respect to your omniscience, dear God, I think you need to issue a mass-recall of the XYs."

Remember what Elder Oaks says -- finding a spouse is in the same category as being a missionary -- your success is largely dependent on luck and the whims of others, and not entirely (or even mostly) dependent on your own qualities.

Charlotte ~ Crystale said...

Hi, you don't know me but a friend sent me a link to your blog. I am so grateful she did and I wanted to thank you for putting this out there. I am 27, single, and LDS and feel exactly like this sometimes (well most of the time). I am not bitter but I do feel like I have the word reject stamped on my forehead most of the time like I'm deformed or diseased. Especially when everyone I know is married with kids and I feel like they are judging me as well like I'm broken. Sorry to rant on your blog but I just wanted to say I appreciate you for putting this out there and Thank you for me and all the other girls like us. It's nice to know your not alone, there is comfort there. So, again thank you.


Bee said...

Alright, you confessed, then I'm going to confess too. Everyone keeps asking me if I am "So EXCITED!!!!!" to be moving to Switzerland. I mean, seriously, I have an awesome job opportunity that is taking me to Europe, I should be jumping from rooftops! When the reality is that I'd just like my boyfriend back (I broke up with him in August) and I'd like to be married to him and I'd like a baby in a basket.

That's the reality. And I can't get excited for Switzerland.

however, I do think a large part of what women are dealing with in our generation is to really shift this focus of worth. We grew up (and I know you still attend I think) in a religion that culturally put our worth on our marriage/mother status. It might be the hardest thing I do..but I've got to be the one that starts breaking that damaging trend.

Ninny Beth said...

Hey B- I understand! I understand! I understand! I kind of felt the same way about Korea. It will be really really cool to follow your adventures in Switzerland and see how long it takes until you are wandering the streets one day saying "hey! I live in switzerland, suckas! this is the life!" (i bet it won't be long!)

The other thing that is interesting to me though is that i don't think this is just a byproduct of Mormon culture because otherwise there wouldn't be a ton of non-mormony books that are called "why men marry some women and not others" and "how to snag a husband blah blah blah". I will agree that we may come into that place of cognitive dissonance a little earlier than others because as a culture mormons generally marry earlier and we are compared to our peers a little sooner than others, but I didn't go to a mormon school and I see this trend in my college friends as well. Women in general are fighting the urge to have our worth determined by how desireable we are to the opposite sex. I feel fortunate to have my belief to give me an anchor and to help me redirect those feelings because when I strip away all the cultural expectations and just think about it as me with God, I'm cool, yo. Admittedly, it is a hard balance to strike - but somehow I'm slowly figuring it out.

Bee said...

NB--thanks so much for your comment. I actually was thinking of you in Korea and how you just OWNED that city! I was so enlivened by the whole thing and just loved your power. And yeah, I'll rock Switzerland, cause that's what we do!

I think I used my specific religion (which I absolutely love) as a lens to look at something that is a trend all over the world. I hope it didn't come off wrong. My faith and the way I was raised is the strongest and best part of who I am.

It's true that this is perhaps more DNA based that culturally based. I mean, we really do have these ticking clocks that have a hard time being turned off (and oh, so unattractive when you mention it!). But more than that, I think that it really is just what we want out of life right now and it's hard that it doesn't happen, especially when it happens so easily for SO many people (my sister who went on a blind date two months ago and is now engaged is just ONE example!)

Anyway, I'm totally rambling. I think I've been afraid to leave Utah for Europe because I don't know if I will have the chances of meeting people with similar beliefs as mine. But, as my boss said to me last week, (when I almost told her I couldn't move to Europe and I was gushing out all the reasons why...) "Bee, we have very nice men here too" and then clarity hit and I couldn't believe my poor boss had to comfort her newly hired worker in a such a way. Low. Point.

But as I've opened up my world to more and more possibility, then I just want to go all Buddha and believe that the right relationship is on it's way!

I'm excited to keep following your adventures....and your music.