Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Finally an answer to the age old question

WHY I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND by Ninny

(you've asked, my grandparents have asked, the "chef" at the Korean BBQ has asked...finally an answer or 10)

Reason #10: I only wash my hair every other day. DAMN YOU TREVOR!!!!

Reason #9: I'm too smart. My friend told me that boys are intimidated by my smartness. They like to have a girl who doesn't challenge them in challenging games of smartness. I've decided to stop making my dates take the MENSA test during dinner and I'm CERTAINLY going to stop laughing at them when their score is less than mine.

Reason #8:I don't fully chew my food. I must completely inhale it without masticating at all as evidenced by the peas I ate for dinner last night that made a reappearance. What boy wants to bring a pea eating hoover home to mom and dad?

Reason #7: I know that my peas made a reappearance.

Reason #6: I hold my hands high above my head when a dog comes near me so that I don't have to pet it...if the dog does touch my hand, I immediately sneak into the bathroom and wash them with antibacterial soap. Most boyfriends like you to like dogs. They think that dogs are children and that it shows some sort of maternal instinct if you like to touch unwashed dog fur.

Reason #5: I don't rockclimb. For some time now, I've been trying to figure out what I can do to have a boyfriend and I think the answer is rockclimbing because on the website where I meet people most of the boys say they want an active girl to do activities with them. None of them mention reading people magazine or shopping at costco, so the answer must be rockclimbing. Because I don't enjoy draping my limbs over a cliff and attempting to hoist myself to the highest point with a rope wrapped around my crotch, I will probably never have a boyfriend.

Reason #4: My blog gets dated more than I do. I think to have a real and proper boyfriend, you have to get asked out on dates off the internet. A chat on IM does not REALLY count as a date and a comment from an anonymous blogger or a stalker who finds your real profile on Myspace does not count as a real date. It seems like face to face contact is necessary if you are going to have a boyfriend. I should work on that.

Reason #3: I laugh like a chain smoking new yorker when I'm not snorting. It's become a real problem this sort of gutteral scratchy hhhhhhhhhhhe sound that I've begun using as my everyday laugh. Of course that's only if the snort doesn't take over first...hhhhhhhhe, snort! Who wouldn't be proud to take me to a Ben Stiller movie?

Reason #2: I drool. All the time. Asleep, awake, driving, watching a movie. I have an excess of saliva. In fact, Alie calls me slurps.

Reason #1: I currently have 8 empty cans of Diet Coke sitting next to my computer.

11 comments:

Hey, It's Ansley said...

I think you just identified my top 8 reasons as well. Not sure I have the pea problems.

Synergy said...

#6. I've faked out many a male friend or better yet, their moms. (Who always seem to own obnoxious, enormous, mouth-breathing dogs.) First you offer your hand, fingers down, to the dog to smell. "See doggie? I am a friend to your kind." When actually, all my earliest ideas and expectations about dogs come from seeing 'Cujo' at age 5. The official age that you are supposed to cherish Benji, not be scared-to-wetting by a rabid, roaming monster. Next I try to pet them and rub their nasty ears because of something I heard Mz. Garafalo say on that movie she did with Uma. (P.S. Dislike Uma more than dogs.) Next I act casual and normal for 3 to 5 minutes without touching ANYTHING ELSE til I can make a break for the kitchen sink to wash. Why not the bathroom? Because kitchens have Brillo pads underneath the sink. Much better for imaginary germs. As for #3? I still hate a girl I knew in high school gym class (such a cliche, I know) because she had a laugh that sounded like tinkling bells. I was mesmorized and mortified that someone's happiness could actually sound like... well, happiness. I think her laugh is what God meant for goodness and light to sound like. Mine does NOT measure up. She was a cheerleader too. I bet she doesn't have any lists.
Why do I always blog on your blog? Sorry. Love you and your lists. And #1 is what all other women are missing.

Hey, It's Ansley said...

I just saw a commercial with a woman holding a dustpan in one hand and a little furry dog upside down by the legs in the other hand. She was using the dog to brush the dirt into the dustpan. Then she let go and the little dog ran away. Hilarious and also adding to your reasons to not pet dogs.

Kirsten J said...

#5:And as a result, most girls/women claim to love rock climbing.

Poor liars. They now have to go rock climbing when none of them want to, but they landed boyfriends.

I found a guy I don't have to lie to, who has never wanted to go rock climbing. In fact, we make fun of my old roommate who made a point of working her love for rock climbing, into every conversation that involved (or could be overheard by) a guy. It began our sardonic love for the words "gear" and "Xtreme."

I was dating a guy who liked "Xtreme sledding" even though I told him I'd never do it. This roommate perked up and suddenly became very "Xtreme" in all her talking around him. After I dumped him for another guy, the roommate somehow ended up on an Xtreme Sledding adventure with my ex. It was a perfect match!

lovestrong said...

I'm all about reasons number 9 and 10. I figure I'm only really available for a male look-see about 50% of the time when my hair is washed. The other 50% of the time I just self-righteously say to myself, "at least my hair will be the healthiest in the land!"

Clearly I'm a genius, but I suppose I could stop saying things like, "Ha Ha! I win again you stupid loser!" on blind dates.

All for eternity, right?

j said...

I think I have a blog post buiding inside me related to #5. Also, would you want a guy who wasn't Mensa-worthy? To save time I make my dates play the 'IQ-Tester' pegs in the board game. If you want to actually get me to pay for dinner, you'll have to get down to 2 pegs or less.

Tamara said...

Does #6 mean you won't come visit me and my dog?

I always thought that boys who saw girls who liked dogs didn't think, "Ooooh. That's maternal" but moreso, "Ooooh. Good for me that she doesn't mind touching something that stinks, drools, eats all the time, and only bathes once a month." Yikes. Does that mean I'm destined for someone stinky?

FreeSpiritGal said...

Crap....I didn't know #8 was a deterent...I'm screwed.

Skye said...

Rockclimbing. Hmmm. That's my favorite idea. Doesn't it just figure, though, that the chick who genuinely does love to rock climb married the guy who has no interest in it whatsoever? sigh. If there is any thorn in my side about my dearest love lately, it's that he's not into any of the Xtreme sports that I am. Pity.

I love your top 10 idea for this subject! Now you can just direct people there when they harass you. I wonder if I can use that idea for all my Frequently Asked Questions. I'll need a post for "When Are You Going to Start a Family?" and "How's Married Life?" and "Why Don't You Have Children Yet?"

Isn't it crazy the personal and sensivite questions people will ask you like it's everybody's business?

melissa said...

hi. im melissa, jennie's friend, and she sent me here after i read her list about why she doesn't have a boyfriend.

i laughed heartily at yours -- that comment about rock climbing SLAYED me! you are one hysterical girl!!! (which should NOT be a reason as to why you don't have a boyfriend!)

Sara McOllie said...

#9. I know plenty of brilliant women who have found relationships with men who weren't intimidated by smartness. I think it is more telling about the guy than the girl. Who wants a pansy of a guy that can't move beyond his initial intimidation?

I have seen an increased number of restaurants put Trivial Pursuit cards on the table. Probably isn't good to read a question and then when they guy finally gives up to yell "oh come ON, that is SOOO EASY!"