WHY I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND by Ninny
(you've asked, my grandparents have asked, the "chef" at the Korean BBQ has asked...finally an answer or 10)
Reason #10: I only wash my hair every other day. DAMN YOU TREVOR!!!!
Reason #9: I'm too smart. My friend told me that boys are intimidated by my smartness. They like to have a girl who doesn't challenge them in challenging games of smartness. I've decided to stop making my dates take the MENSA test during dinner and I'm CERTAINLY going to stop laughing at them when their score is less than mine.
Reason #8:I don't fully chew my food. I must completely inhale it without masticating at all as evidenced by the peas I ate for dinner last night that made a reappearance. What boy wants to bring a pea eating hoover home to mom and dad?
Reason #7: I know that my peas made a reappearance.
Reason #6: I hold my hands high above my head when a dog comes near me so that I don't have to pet it...if the dog does touch my hand, I immediately sneak into the bathroom and wash them with antibacterial soap. Most boyfriends like you to like dogs. They think that dogs are children and that it shows some sort of maternal instinct if you like to touch unwashed dog fur.
Reason #5: I don't rockclimb. For some time now, I've been trying to figure out what I can do to have a boyfriend and I think the answer is rockclimbing because on the website where I meet people most of the boys say they want an active girl to do activities with them. None of them mention reading people magazine or shopping at costco, so the answer must be rockclimbing. Because I don't enjoy draping my limbs over a cliff and attempting to hoist myself to the highest point with a rope wrapped around my crotch, I will probably never have a boyfriend.
Reason #4: My blog gets dated more than I do. I think to have a real and proper boyfriend, you have to get asked out on dates off the internet. A chat on IM does not REALLY count as a date and a comment from an anonymous blogger or a stalker who finds your real profile on Myspace does not count as a real date. It seems like face to face contact is necessary if you are going to have a boyfriend. I should work on that.
Reason #3: I laugh like a chain smoking new yorker when I'm not snorting. It's become a real problem this sort of gutteral scratchy hhhhhhhhhhhe sound that I've begun using as my everyday laugh. Of course that's only if the snort doesn't take over first...hhhhhhhhe, snort! Who wouldn't be proud to take me to a Ben Stiller movie?
Reason #2: I drool. All the time. Asleep, awake, driving, watching a movie. I have an excess of saliva. In fact, Alie calls me slurps.
Reason #1: I currently have 8 empty cans of Diet Coke sitting next to my computer.