Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Sisterhood of the Fat Pants

My freaking pants don't fit. As I sit here, the week after Thanksgiving, attempting to work though my lungs are constricted by the lack of spandex in these jeans, I am dreaming of a new "casual workday" concept called "Fat Pants Friday". Since I work for a place where every day is casual day, I feel that the next step in helping a person like me really unwind is to allow me to wear my fat pants to work. I can see it now...Sauntering into work wearing the big navy blue sweatpants with PENN written down the side that expand comfortably due to a drawstring waist. The benefits are numerous:

1. when I have to go to the bathroom 40 times a day because I'm drinking more water than a dehydrated camel, I can swiftly remove the fat pants all the way to my ankles, thus reducing the chance of peeing my pants or acquiring a bladder infection from holding it while I undo a belt or buckle or what have you.

2. I will no longer have to wear disgusting maternity shirts to hide the unsightly suggestion of camel toes caused by pants that don't REALLY fit after lunch. This one is a toss up: Utilitarian fat pants vs. ugly maternity shirt and camel toe. I think we can see who the clear winner is...

3. I can eat more than soup for lunch.

4. I will not complain and stop working to write a blog about how my pants do or do not fit. Increased productivity. Less Whining. FAT PANTS WIN AGAIN!!!!

Girls, I know you hear me.

5 comments:

Marie said...

I'm way ahead of you on this one. I so loathe spending my pennies on work clothes that I buy loose-fitting pants from the get-go in anticipation of my winter hibernation thighs. Of course, this would be a problem if there were any unmarried hotties at my work who I wished to impress by having sleek work pants to wear when I'm at my sleekest (say, mid-July). But I work with a bunch of married guys, so it works out quite well. Fat pants forever!

Hey, It's Ansley said...

You could become a nurse, we wear comfy elastic-waisted pants and baggy shirts all the time - scrubs! It's weird to realize that I never suck in the tummy at work, no one would know a difference.

Anonymous said...

The threesome of girls in my office that sit together have all recently experienced a slight weight gain (myself included). I was complaining that my pants hurt me. The waist of my jeans constricts around my trunk and I spill out the sides (always have, though). You know how when you lose weight in your waist and hips, your pants ride lower? Well the exact opposite naturally happens when you GAIN a little. My shape is "pear" so the wider my hips get, the higher the pants must ride in order to find a circumference they can actually fit around. That raises the entire article of clothing a few inches, until its ascent into mom-jean-dom is halted by my crotch. When the crotch seam is pulled high enough, its limitations are painfully clear. It's cheaper to just shake that extra padding back down to its former size than it is to go out and buy bigger pants. So I guess that means I need to start dieting and exercising. I hear you on the soup.

Tamara said...

i love that you used the term "camel toe."
you crack me up.

Synergy said...

I tried on three pairs of supposed "good" jeans before finding a pair that didn't do all of the afore mentioned evils. Straight leg my a**. The reason for the anxiety? We had to go to a friend's house where the friend's wife is an effin size kids-13 or something two sizes smaller than zero. I can forgive shorter girls this range, but she's almost my height. I feel like the jolly green giant next to her. Why is our self worth so caught up in pants? I rarely have this issue with skirts or shirts.