A conglomeration of posits and queries

1. Poetry
a. Why am I such a sucker for it?
b. Who is anonymous friend poetry poster and why can’t they just send me an email and end my angst?
c. Maybe the angst created from an anonymous poetry poster who seems to be madly in love with me, but won’t uncloak presents the perfect opportunity to resurrect some of my really abysmal alterna-teen poetics from 12th grade. Perhaps I should be thanking the Anonymous Mary Diet Coke fiend?
i. This brings up a very interesting concept…can you date someone’s blog? Because I’m pretty sure my blog gets dated more than I do. If you are dating my blog, I’ll give you a hint…my blog LOVES to be taken to the Melting Pot and a movie.

2. Bread and Jam
a. I ate the bread and the jam in mass quantities Saturday and spent most of Sunday truly regretting it.
b. I had a jam session on Saturday night. I heart musicians and parties and my friends.
i. Contemplating a stint at an open mic night but am too chicken to really see it through.
ii. Desperately want a new guitar, but won’t go halfway and so must look for ways to sell my soul to afford my dream axe (how very Guitar Center/Testosterone of me)

3. IM OK
a. 7 days and counting.
i. My supervisor told me that I appeared stressed out the last couple of days. I said that I wasn’t at all and why would she think that??? She said that I’ve been less chatty and every time she comes into my office I am concentrating with knitted brows at my computer screen. HAHAHAHA…what she doesn’t know is that I’m JUST WORKING….They think I am stressed because I am ACTUALLY DOING MY WORK ALL THE TIME.
1. except for right now, when I am writing a blog.
b. What do I do when I realize that IM isn’t really the problem and that the problem is ME?

NOW what will I do for drama????

Once upon a time, there was a princess who was under a spell. This spell was cast by a wicked wizard called Micro Soft for evil purposes related to connectivity and marketing ploys. It employed a little blinking orange bar at the bottom of the princess' computer screen to control her. The bar would blink and the princess would stop whatever she was doing and look at the computer screen. Sometimes, if the princess was feeling brave or strong, she would deny herself the satisfaction of the blinking bar, but the wicked wizard's magic was simply too strong for her puny self-will...and she always fell back under the spell only to wake up 4 hours later having accomplished nothing in the kingdom she was brilliantly capable of ruling....

One day the princess woke up from her orange blinking bar spell and realized, "Oh shit. I've been under the spell for so long that the little paper people of my kingdom have taken over and I haven't washed my hair for THREE days instead of the requisite 2. This is bad. Bad."

So she decided that the only way to break the blinking orange spell cast by the evil Micro Soft was to destroy the wizard. Get rid of it completely. All or nothing. And so she disabled the blinking orange bar and now...

Oh forget it...I'm done with the fairy tale business. This is REAL life people. I am off messenger and I don't know what to do with myself. It's been 2 hours and 6 minutes without any INSTANT contact. My identity is gone from me. Gone. I will be more productive. I'm sure of it.

don't speak

I didn't mean to start a controversy with the last post. For those of you who thought I was being snobby, I wasn't, I promise...and I also wasn't trying to garner synthetic sympathy or pats on the back. I was just stating some observations that I've made over the last few years since graduation.

This is a hard line to walk...between honesty and self-deprication and lying to protect other people's feelings. If I was completely honest all the time, I would say some really mean things and that's just not my style...but I want to be true to myself and others...so I have to believe that that balance exists.

Maybe the trick is to learn how to keep your mouth shut? I've never been very good at that. In fact, when I got to the MTC and they hit me with the "Quiet Dignity" Lecture, I thought I had to leave. It didn't used to be part of my character. Instead of cultivating quiet, I learned how to back pedal. To play both sides of the board as Matt pointed out to me. Is it possible to learn how to be honest? To be excited about your life and proud of who you are without being boastful? To be perceptive and opinionated about the world around us without expressing it in a hurtful way? Is it possible to NOT care what other people think, but still be intuitive and helpful?

How the bleep did I Ever Graduate from College?

Honestly, you may be surprised to find out that I do not have the best work ethic in the world. I know, I know...shocking in light of how little time I spend on IM, this blog and other such sundry time-wasters throughout my day. But it's true. I am a procrastinator.

I started a new position at the start of the new year which is exciting and little daunting considering my inability to do anything when it's actually due...so this should be interesting.

My friend keeps freaking out every time I say that I don't have a high work ethic because then HOW DID I GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE and especially The University of Pennsylvania (cum laude)???? It must have been so much harder and required so much more work! (haha) Well, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. Penn, Harvard, Yale, Stanford...they're all full of the same kinds of kids that you find at SLCC and ITT Tech. We just paid more money and get to wear SweatClothes and from our respective schools with an impressive crest logo that identifies us as having paid more money. When we emerge from our protective cacoons of ivy-encrusted 200 year old buildings, we're still goof-off, clock-watching people who wish we were independently wealthy and could write blogs all day long instead of working. I think the difference is that we have much higher expectations to live up to. My friends are editors at international magazines, doctors, federal prosecutors, photojournalists in Cairo, and if I don't get this effing Naturalist Guide Toolkit done, I'm going to end up serving them a slurpee the next time they come to Sundance. But I have often wondered if my editor friend is sitting at her desk IMing her doctor husband (oh wait, they would be using their Blackberry's) instead of proofing photos of Gwyneth Paltrow for the cover.

The point is that it shouldn't surprise you that I'm just like you...or maybe even that you're BETTER than me in this regard. In the end, I'll get the job done and I'll probably do a really good job at it, but not without some serious diversionary tactics.

Does This Shirt Make Me Look Minimum-Wage?

Today I went to Liz's for lunch. The first thing she said to me when I walked through the door was, "Wow, you look like you got dressed for work today!" I should explain...I work for The Nature Conservancy and we have a relaxed dress code which is understandable. I guess they figure they owe us the right to wear cut-off jean shorts and "I heart nature" t-shirts because we're making little more than the high-school kids at the Weinerschnitzel. And I take full advantage of their concession. I generally throw on a pair of jeans, flats and a hooded sweater and call it good. Today I wore a shirt with buttons and I guess that seemed "grown-up". I blame it on my acquisition of a flip cell phone. I'm a big kid now. Next up, a car with FOUR doors.

All of this is prologue. The truly remarkable thing about today's lunch and discussion of my clothing was this: About 5 minutes into my lunch visit, Liz walks out of her bedroom with another shirt and tells me to put it on. She heard me tell her brother Arthur that I thought I looked like I should be catering something (white button down, black pants) and she agreed. She told me I couldn't have the shirt back until I got a part-time job at Biaggi's in the Gateway.

Why is it that we need our friends to save us from our own fashion mistakes? I knew when I left my house this morning that I was not wearing my most attractive outfit. I felt frumpy and kind of gross. But I didn't do anything about it before showing myself in public. I needed Liz to concur with my projection and take control. And she did, God Bless Her Soul. So here is to the Liz's in our lives...the girls (and boys) who will tell us when we look like Little Kim on a bad day and help us regroup.

What I did for Love...

I found it. I've got a 12 pack of Black Cherry Vanilla Diet Coke in my trunk and one chillin' in the fridge. It's delicious and refreshing and AHHHHHHH....so why do I feel so empty????

Call it fate, an aligning of the intergalactic planetary cosmos or what-have-you, but it was clear that the gods were whispering my name to the Coke Man at 12:38pm, aisle 12, Saturday January 7th at the Ghetto Albertsons. I turned the corner completely expecting to find the same thing that I have been finding...plenty of lime, plain, cherry, even the "set to expire" vanilla but no BCVDC. And that's exactly what I DID find, but there was something more, something exciting. A man, dressed in a coke outfit at the end of the aisle, making room on a shelf for some Sprite (an inferior, yet easily recognizable Coca-Cola product). He didn't cry VERY loudly when I gripped his arm and hissed in a voice akin to Golum, "WHERE IS THE BLACK CHERRY VANILLA??????". Perhaps he had been fielding this sort of desperation all week while simply fulfilling his delivery duties. He very calmly told me that Albertson's isn't going to have it any time soon and I'd better start shopping at the Smith's Marketplace if I ever hope to see the mystical object of my desire. I let go eventually, pointed him in the direction of the bathroom, and after cursing Albertsons, made my way to the 8th grocery/convenience store in 2 days...and that is where I found it...2 cases left with my name all over them (if I had legally changed my name to Black Cherry Vanilla Diet Coke).

Now it's Monday and we've become comfortable with one another, me and BCVDC. The thrill is gone. We're like the old couple sitting on the couch, watching "Welcome Back Kotter" reruns and farting with abandon. It all happened so quickly and the flame is out....Liz says that people with addictive personalities are intense but have a quicker burn-out rate than a normal person, so now I'm on the prowl. I need something elusive in my life to feed the fire. I'm taking applications....

EMERGENCY...it's a DIET COKE EMERGENCY

Still can't find black cherry vanilla diet coke and so decided, per adam, to order it online. Easier said than done, but while I was searching, I was horrified to read that with the introduction of BCVDC (looks like a tab for my guitar) they are PHASING OUT plain old Diet Vanilla. WHAT??????!!!!! Just because it's not as flashy????? That's like bringing Kate Hudson to church and telling me that I have to leave because I had day two hair in sacrament meeting and now that BCVDC Kate is here, there's no need for plain old VDC Me!!!! I'm still ok!!!! I promise I'll wash my hair tomorrow...DON"T MAKE ME LEAVE!!!!! And don't get rid of Vanilla...plain old, delightful, delicate Diet Vanilla.

Maybe somedays you don't want all that cherry riding up in your coke!!! WHAT THEN, COCA-COLA?????!!!!! What do you suggest we do then?????? Damn the man and his obsession with flash.

One Diet Coke In and Already I'm Done

I know this is an early morning post...usually I need a full day of work before I'm geared up to write anything even remotely pithy...but I've already cracked open a vanilla and I think this question MUST be asked.

IS IT SO WRONG FOR ME TO WISH THAT I LIVED A LIFE OF LEISURE? Is it wrong to wish and hope that I will get clipped by a bus/car/motorcycle/vespa just enough to maim me moderately and let me live in relative comfort from the settlement? Is it terrible of me to envy the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and damn Utah for not having a lottery?

I know there are a few well meaning people who will tell me that if I didn't work, I would get bored with my days. I BEG TO DIFFER. I am an inventive girl. I promise you, that if my dream came true, I would find plenty to fill my days. How does this sound? Wake up around 8, go to the gym for a leisurely work out, making sure to leisurely do my weight training (which normally gets the boot in the interest of another 15 minutes of sleep), come home make a leisurely weight watcher recipe breakfast and take a leisurely bath in some yummy smelling bath stuff. My daytime activities could include but are not limited to: Reading a book, playing my guitar, painting something, calling a friend who is stuck at work actually working, going to DI and leisurely buying a hair crimper from 1986 and then going back home and leisurely crimping my hair, volunteering at a shelter, taking a leisurely class at the U, stopping at every convenience store/grocery store/wal*mart in search of the ever elusive Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke (they have billboards up on I-15 which tease and entice, but I've yet to actually see the holy grail of coke products in the flesh), hand washing my delicates (haha), filing my important documents, writing a book, writing a blog, writing a letter...

Anyway, you get it. The list goes on and on. I could thrive in this environment and I would certainly not take my leisure for granted. Not that I hate my job or anything...on the contrary, I actually love it since I HAVE to have a job...but I don't mind dreaming about the grass on the other side. I'll be the one in the outreach meeting, staring out the window pretending to listen, with stars in my eyes as I watch the people leisurely strolling to lunch.

Sicky McSickerton

I'm home sick today. I woke up this morning all full of snot (which I suppose some of you might not consider a change of state from the usual...) and groggy. I could have gone to work, but then I wouldn't have enough time to watch both Bridget Jones movies in succession while lying on the couch drinking diet coke (high high healing powers...it burns the illness out of you) and passing out periodically during the "wobbly bits".

Being sick is so annoying and sort of nice. A forced inventory of all your ailments and a ready excuse to bail out of committments that you weren't that excited about anyway. I am rarely sick enough to stay home from work, so it's kind of a nice change of pace. The annoying part is you get kind of bored at home after about 5 hours. I start talking to myself and making friends with couch pillows.

I'll be back at work tomorrow and I'll be so busy that I won't even have time to IM. That will be nice and make me feel very productive.