Thursday, January 15, 2009
On Being a Jerk
One of the hazards of being me is a complete and utterly annoying self awareness. A sharp, pokey, overbearing self awareness. SO much so that I am perfectly aware when I spiral into jerkdom. Like watching a movie reel in slow motion...screaming to myself to cease and desist with any and all jerkish behavior only to realize that the other me (the one being a jerk) is deaf or dumb or both. It doesn't work. Especially when computers and poor communication abound. I can only feel like a crappy person after the fact because I am aware that I am not my highest self. I can apologize (which I do). I can ask for what I need in positive ways (which I try to do). I can cry in the bathroom stall at work (which I do). I can pray for a little more self control (which I do).