Friday, September 09, 2005

Addictive Personalities Make Better Stalkers

THis is going to be my new bumper sticker....

I went to weight watchers last night and found out that I lost 2.2 pounds. Yay for me!!! There is something really cool about being in a room that looks like a jehovah's witness kingdom hall (no windows) with a bunch of chubby people all admitting that when the breadbasket gets passed to them, they CAN NOT say NO. No one gets up and says their first name. No one gets a keychain if they go 30 days without dessert, but the idea is the same. We're food junkies and we get together to support each other in our quest to be moderate in the face of Godiva Chocolates, 18 inch pizzas and all things fried.

I talked to my mom about the fact that I was really depressed lately, and she blamed it on my diet...excuse me, I mean...MY NEW HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. She pointed out that I use food to comfort me and now that I am counting every point, I no longer CAN use food as my reward or panacea for my emotional blah blah blah. I agree to some extent. It's all about finding substitutes, so instead of eating a canoli, I call people. I text them three or four times in a row. I take a drive to peer through their windows right at dusk when the blinds are still open and the lights are now on. JUST KIDDING, but the impetus behind it is true...I've found that without my food crutches, I need people more than before. I need distractions and I need support. I need to talk about food and no food and not having that piece of pozza that I really really just wanted to scarf even though it had been in someone's refrigerator for a month and was no longer even really edible. I need something to fill the hole left by 1/2 a cup of brown rice and steamed vegetables.

So this is why weight watchers is group therapy for fat people and why that is so freaking necessary. Last night in my meeting, I was talking about the lack of control I exhibited the last time I went out to eat with my friends. They ordered calamari. Fried Squid, people. I don't even love it. I like it, but I don't LLLLLLOOOOOVVVVEEEE it. And as I was eating my like 8th piece, I was chewing the rubbery circle of squid and thinking...why can't I just say no???? What should I have done???? The cute lady sitting behind me, a veteran in the food addiction war, said, "next time the calamari comes near you, tip your water into the basket, ruin it!!!!" I laughed and laughed and realized that this really is WAR and even my friends and their appetizers can not be spared.

I want to be healthy. I want to be moderate. I want to be happy about my body since it is the only one I'm getting and I won't be whole until I can accept it and love it. This morning I woke up and realized that 9.2 pounds of fat (which is the total amount I've lost thus far) is like heaving around a newborn baby all the time. A big newborn. I am feeling lighter. My heart can beat just a little slower. I can breathe just a little bit better. I can't guarantee that I'll stop filling my food need with people, so you might prepare yourself for a few extra texts and calls these next few months, but I promise it will be the best thing for all of us. I'm good at what I do.

8 comments:

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lovestrong said...

Beautiful girl, I have now read every post you've ever made and I'm inspired, both by your writing and who you are.

I would LOVE to recieve more texts, calls, and you in general. I'm so proud of you. You ARE fighting a war...and you're winning. HUZZAH!!

Kirsten J said...

Blogging is my crutch.

I have also read everything you've ever posted and loved every one of them. You're a fabulous writer. Blogging can be your thing, your indulgence, your comfort. Because you know how much people love you and your writing and I know I'm not the only person who logs on every day to see if you posted anything new. No pressure. But I think any time you feel bummed and fear you'll do something you'll regret, get online and rant...it soothes and everyone else loves it too.

lumina said...

9.2 pounds is so awesome!

No one of importance said...

If you ever ruin my calamari by dumping water into the basket, I will never forgive you!! Ok just kidding. It is war, do what you must.

aliah said...

Seriously K-face, you are awesome and I love you. Nothing makes me happier than seeing women take control of their lives and conquer. You give me courage to face my own demons.

Tamara said...

oh yea!!! i'm so proud of you! getting up, putting those shoes on, and walking OUT THE DOOR is always the hardest part. you're succeeding, though! you're so great!

thomas said...

hey there i think the way you write is very well done. its not full of all this trying to impress people or even yourself but rather more just who you really are and that is why it is so appealing. i know that most people love to indulge in those things that they can generate some comfort from, so dont beat yourself up but also dont give in either. if it is a war as you say, then we must approach it as one and war is about winning conquering and driving our enemies into submission so we can have liberty and freedom from thier oppression. lifting weights gave me that drive to conquer because the longer i did it the stronger i got and i could always see the results in black and white, even when i wasnt even trying i was able to conquer, i guess because it was not directly tied to any thing but was its own dimension. anyway i loved your writing ciao