iPod. A baby iPod. It's really called a shuffle which is kind of like a temporary tattoo...a nice substitute to fake out the 3-11 fans until I can get the guts to have the bleeding heart that says 'Daddy's Girl' branded on my lower back (sidenote: Matt calls those tattoos 'targets' which I think is kind of funny) As soon as my ship comes in from the Federal government, I'm getting the real thing (iPod, not target tattoo). And now that I've tricked you with this light and airy blog topic....
I've been thinking a lot lately about being addictive. I have an addictive personality as evidenced by my current enrollment in a Fat People 12 step program also known as Weight Watchers. I am addicted to lots of things, mainly men and food and iPods. Here's the thing...the addiction to the iPod doesn't hurt anyone that I can figure, and the addiction to food only hurts myself and that pair of pants that ripped when I was on my mission. But the addiction to men....ahhhh...that is a different story.
I've discovered, I think, that I am addicted to the control that comes from trying to make men who aren't necessarily emotionally available pay attention to me. I exist in a world of potential, seeing them as I think they could someday be and working very hard to nurture them into wanting me as I currently am. Because you see, then I would be worthy of love. I see every unavailable man as an opportunity to win. To win affection, to win control, to win attention and approval. Maybe I thrive on the thrill of the hard won nod in my direction. Stemming from a belief that I am not enough in the real world? That an available man wouldn't really want me, so it must be my lot in life to work very hard to make the other kind of man choose me. And it's an addiction.
This is not some kind of feminist manifesto. Men are lovely. They are good and decent and strong and I want them in my life. I just want to be able to want them for the right reasons. I want to be content within myself enough to choose to be loved and believe love and not need to fix someone so that they can love me. I need to stop treating men as objects to win.
This is totally my punishment (and unfortunately yours) for spending 2 hours in the self-help section at Borders.
5 comments:
OK, I haven't even finished reading the meat of the post because I was so excited about your iPod acquisition that I had to stop after the first paragraph and comment. I'm so excited for you! I got one in September and thought I knew what digital love was, but then the love affair got all hot and steamy over the break. It was the best plane flight ever and I almost prayed for more layovers all thanks to the iPod.
Here are two of my favorite mp3 blogs for getting free music.
http://sixeyes.blogspot.com/
http://www.3hive.com/
Zach Braff's blog is also a great place to pick up a few new songs or artists per year. Zach doesn't blog often, but he's such a cool guy that it's made up for. When Garden State was being made he posted a lot about the songs he likes, and many of those songs made it into the soundtrack. Anyone who's heard the soundtrack or seen the movie knows how great those songs are.
Zach's blog
And for the record, I think addictions (WoW) aren't something that you have to overcome. All anyone really needs to do is bring the affinity to a level that keeps things in balance. Eliminating something you love (WoW) is tough, but metering it properly is often much easier. So maybe face addiction (WoW) in less of an elimination, and more of an adjustment attitude. Or just accept yourself for how you are and enjoy life (virtual or actual) however it comes.
Oh, I hit lvl 55 a few hours ago! w00t!
A 12-step program to not be fat? That sounds fabulous but probably a little unrealistic, for every time I go running I take thousands of steps...
wha wha wha wha!
So I am curious now according to Zach and manpace(?) all anyone needs, since I guess we all have the same allments in life is just to moderate or not believe them. The over shopper to shop less, the over eater to eat less, the over drug taker to take less drugs....What about the petafile??!! WOW! Who knew we all fit the same mold. I am glad Ninny you are more self aware and willing to face your own challenges. I believe a 12 step program could better anyones life if they stoped thinking they are above themselves...... I am Thor feel my thunder and look at what I write......BLahhhh
i know this is an older post but I just found this article.
I liked #35 with the Altoids
http://www.kottke.org/plus/50-ways-ipod/
Post a Comment