Thursday, December 01, 2005

When "talking" isn't just talking

Sometimes I just talk to talk. And sometimes I "TALK" to get clarity. And other times I have "talks" to try to make someone say something that I want them to say. I am not, by nature a manipulator, but I've found myself recently leaning toward the category three type of talk. Blame it on my penchant for poetry, but I've been loading my words, creating meaning in levels and layers and BEGGING for correct interpretation.

I've been reading a book (we'll call it "THE BOOK" as it has attained that level of sanctity in my mind recently) about passive-aggressive behavior. I was reading it mainly to understand my relationship patterns. You see, I'm on a quest to divulge myself of reoccuring of which is passive-aggressive know the kind that are Full of frustration, full of winding words and poor communication and big promises with no follow-through. The road leading nowhere completely paved with un-expressed anger and hidden meaning.

So what do I do? I read THE BOOK which gives me a deeper understanding of exactly how passive-aggressive communication takes place in relationships. I get it. I see it finally for what it is...but rather than extracting myself from the fray, I jump in. (and here I apologize for the following gratuitous HP analogy...I"M SORRY. I"M SORRY...which apology,incidently, is very NOT passive agressive as PA people never take responsibility for their actions) I'm like the auror who gets ahold of Voldemort's spell book in order to defeat him, but instead is seduced by the promise of power and WINNING by the dark side. I'm a freaking traitor.

So for those of you who've experienced this unwelcome change...from open hostility to veiled desperation ..(uh, is that really unwelcome? maybe you LIKE me like this?) I'm sorry. (ah the paradox) but I think I have to stay away from diagnostic self-help books, or I may really turn into the "woman who loves too much" or the like.

I think I think too much. I know I talk too much.


Tamara said...

This is a good post. I've been thinking about similar qualities in myself. I think I need help fueling anger. It can become suppressed and eventually lead to PA behavior. So I can definitely relate. You're not alone in the journey!

Anonymous said...


The gentle maid, whose hapless tale
These melancholy pages speak;
Say, gracious lady, shall she fail
To draw the tear adown thy cheek?

No; never was thy pitying breast
Insensible to human woes;
Tender, tho' firm, it melts distrest
For weaknesses it never knows.

Oh! guard the marvels I relate
Of fell ambition scourg'd by fate,
From reason's peevish blame.
Blest with thy smile, my dauntless sail
I dare expand to Fancy's gale,
For sure thy smiles are Fame.

Horace Walpole-

Thought this fit you well, you can put Diet between Mary and Coke. Love the Blogging!

Ninny Beth said...

Marry me, anonymous. Unless you are a girl...because then our union would be frowned upon in the mormon religion.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. -Horace Walpole