Friday, October 28, 2005

Platonic Boy Friends

This post is not, as I had originally intimated, about Arrested Development (season Two).
Instead, I would like to address a very serious and tragifying phenomenon in my life and the lives of my girl friends..."THE PLATONIC BOY FRIEND EXPLOSION" and it's subsequent effect known commonly as "BACK DOOR DATING". Let me first recognize that several of my consistent readers are of the male persuasion and I in no way intend to incriminate them. If you see yourself in the disturbing descriptions that follow (and you've all done it at one point or another), please know that I will not condemn you, but am available to help you re-direct your efforts.

"THE PLATONIC BOY FRIEND EXPLOSION" happens to girls like me in fits and waves. Here's how it evolves in my world. I meet a boy. He's cute. He flirts and is flirty. We banter. There's some touching that would indicate mutual attraction. I smile. He smiles. We find out we both drool over swedish fish and David Sedaris books. SOmething is, phone number, bodily fluids (haha, not REALLY!!!! that would change the title of this phenomenon, now WOULDN"T it?) Then there is some other form of goofing off over IM or email or in person and just as I'm picking out wedding invitations....BAM. I get the email or the phone call that IS the "PLATONIC BOY FRIEND EXPLOSION" and leads to an attempt at "BACK DOOR DATING"....sample:

UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIP BOY: blah blah blah...inside joke 1...inside joke're so, so that girl you were talking to the other day, what's her story? A "friend" of mine wants to know. She's pretty hot.

BAM. that's the explosion. now UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIP BOY becomes PLATONIC BOY FRIEND. which in and of its self is not the real problem. The problem is that the explosion almost always leads to attempted "BACK DOOR DATING" which is the act of getting the girl that you've just become platonic friends with to cruise direct your social life as though you are a character on the Love Boat. The boy always wants me to host a party, organize an event, recommend them to the hot girl or set them up with said girl...just call me Love Boat Julie and hand me an F-ing clip board for hell's sake. And UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIP BOY goes from PLATONIC BOY FRIEND to ASS in 3 seconds flat.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not...I'm just 28 and I have what one man recently told me was a plethura of platonic boy friends. I know I am a good friend. I'm easy to be around as are most of my highly educated, witty and talented girlfriends that experience this same thing. I'm just advocating for one thing. If you decide that after flirting and getting to know me that you don't want to date me, kiss me or molest me in some way...please have the decency to extract yourself from the "BACK DOOR DATERS" will win my respect and save yourself an unsavory name calling session at the next Girls' Night.

Just an idea.


Tamara said...

Love Boat Julie,
You're a smarty. These boys do love you, they just find out quickly they don't deserve you. You deserve much better men and a much better approach.
I would like to refer to a post you made a few days ago though entitled "I date, you date, we all date." At least you're dating! :)
I'm trying to look on the positive any way I can for you girl, but I feel your pain! There are way too many of us keeping the Love Boat afloat with you! See you on the ship!

lovestrong said...

simply me venting (I just got done chaperoning a junior high dance): I, for one, am tired of being so wonderful that there is no man who "deserves" me. If that's true then I'm ok with being taken advantage long as they'd stop being so back door about it. "I like you" or "I don't like you" then "wanna makeout?" Is this so wrong? *sigh*

Kirsten J said...

It's so annoying because the people that do this (guys and girls alike) act like all those things NEVER happened. Or that you read WAAAYYY too far into them. Which you did not. I had a psychotic roommate once who led poor guys on and then when they had some reasonable expectation of romantic exchange, the girl acted like he couldn't have been more presumptuous.

Behind the scenes, she was even more mentally unhinged and this was just the tip of the iceberg. So really, each poor broken heart also dodged a big bullet! Yourself included.

What kind of business deals will this guy do later in life? What kind of church member will he be? The kind that lives one way but then cites technicalities later to redeem himself from consequences! Because that's how his interactions with humans are.

Not all guys are like this. Some of them are indecisive and they flip-flop, but then again so do we. The minute you get a BDD, tell him you'll tooootally set him up with the girl while all the while planning on filling her in, or just say "oh she thinks of you like a brother." That one kills.

Bob said...

That's the problem with being "undefined relationship boy," is that both of you probably see the relationship differently. You are picking out wedding invitations, he sees you as a friend to hang out with.

He asks you about that friend of your as he would ask about a female friend of one of his guy friends. He means no harm by this, because you are just a friend to him.

Many hurt feelings would be solved if men and woomen had more "Define the Relationship" talks. The DTR may solve the problem of the BDD.


Anonymous said...

Does Bob have a valid point? We as women continually obsess about everything, especially men. I agree with Bob that communication is key. You know wanna know - ask. But then again, I am impatient and don't like sitting in the dark.

Ninny Beth said...

Look, I need to clarify something...this post was NOT about communication or lack there of. I don't CARE if you don't like me in "that way" I still don't want you to ask about my girl friends. TALK TO THEM YOURSELF!!!! BE A MAN!!!! FLIRT AND FIND OUT IF THEY ARE DATING SOMEONE!!!!! TAKE A CHANCE...don't back door. THat's all.

Bob said...

ah, the post may not be about communication, but Communication may solve some of the problems.


Now, there's a novel idea......


lumina said...

still ninny darling, you are at fault for cooperating...and you are right about them..they should take a chance and talk to them themselves...but you should tell them that.

And if you are buying wedding should tell them so.

that's what i think. sorry if it's condescending or rude or in any way wrong..and I'm sorry, just sorry okay?

I'm sorry for saying sorry too much.

Natalie said...

Hey!!! This is Natalie, Danalin's friend, from SLC. I stumbled upon your blog through Ben Heiner! Crazy huh! I'm in Taiwan with him and he was using my computer and posted on your website. Anyway, I saw it and I wanted to say hi! Its so wierd how small this little world is. And now Lumina and I are blog buddies because of Ben. Funny.
Just wanted to say hi! I recognized that cool paint job in your apartment in your birthday pic. But check out my blog, it has tons of pics of the Heiner boys.
: )

Kirsten J said...

Oh, Ninny...
The guy that does this ("the guy" meaning ALL BDD's) has to have SOME hint that you might have a little crush. If he were to read this blog he'd undoubtedly say "I had no idea." But he would probably be lying. In which case, he'd be guilty of the thing guys always vetch about girls doing: playing dumb when someone likes them.